Introduction

According to Tannen, metamessages are a form of indirect communication. This is where people say one thing, yet they mean something quite different. This is to say that one cannot decode the meaning of the message by simply listening to the words. Tannen’s article talks about how different men and women are in matters concerning communication. Women are more inclined to the usage of metamessages while men are quite conversant with direct communication. Her article does not show aspects of being bias towards any gender. From personal experience, I think Tannen’s views about women’s and men’s talk is quite true.

Part 1

A

Tannen views metamessages as a form of indirect communication; where people want to be understood without saying what they mean explicitly (Tannen 126). The meaning is normally conveyed in other ways like how the words are spoken or the tone used. Women are more likely to use this form of communication in an attempt of reaching an agreement by way of negotiation. It also helps them in displaying an aspect of solidarity (Tannen 127).

B

Metamessages are underlying messages that could be implied or inferred from messages. This is what most individuals refer to as “reading between the lines” (Tsuda 671). People do not need to spell out exactly what they mean, but it can be generated based on how they communicate. Something can become obvious based on how it was said, than what was actually said. A good example is when people use a patronizing tone. No matter the good things that they say about other individuals, it always appears as though they are looking down on them.

Part 2

In the article titled “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers” by Deborah Tannen she explains how different men and women are when it comes to communication. Most of these differences are shaped through culture. The first difference is that men and women tend to perceive things differently despite the situation at hand being similar. Tannen believes that these differences come as a result of past experiences. This is because, since birth, they tend to receive different treatment and communication from the people around them. “Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, even if they grow in the same house” (Tannen 125). This makes them move in different worlds once they become adults since they try to reinforce the childhood patterns.

The second difference comes as a result of the expectations that they have with regards to the role of communication in relationships. Tannen asserts that the differences in conversational style normally results to misunderstandings that tend to become major problems with time. Men and women have different expectations on how they anticipate their relationships to turn out with time. Tannen postulates that “Many women feel, after all this time, you should know what I want without my telling you. Many men feel, after all this time, we should be able to tell each other what we want” (Tannen 125). This variation is as a result of the cultural differences they have had in the past.

Another difference is the development of conflict that revolves around balancing the need for independence and involvement. “Though everyone has both needs, women often have a relatively greater need for involvement, and men a relatively greater need for independence” (Tannen 126). This explains the concept of metamessages, which are more prevalent in women, and rarely embraced by men. This is a form of indirectness that women like to use in communication. The cultural differences between men and women have shaped such differences when it comes to communication. Tannen has used different examples to demonstrate this concept. There is the case of Sylvia and Harry and that of Jake and Louise. The women involved in these cases tend to explore the words of their partners in a different way compared to how the men said them. There is a great indication of the different levels of communication between men and women.

Part 3

Tannen’s article about women’s and men’s talk is not biased to any gender. To begin with, her language is somewhat objective. This is because most of the information that she has demonstrated is not based on personal opinions or feelings. She has used different scenarios or facts in trying to show the differences that exist between men and women.

A good example that shows she uses facts rather than opinions is this quote from the passage, “boys and girls grow up in different worlds, even if they grow up in the same house. And as adults they travel in different worlds, reinforcing patterns established in childhood.” Everyone can attest to this statement. Children tend to be treated differently while they are growing based on their gender. This is something that happens in almost all the families. Boys are taught or indulge in a variety of things that tend to be different from those of girls in one way or another. The way that a parent communicates to a boy child is also different to the way that they will communicate to the girl child. This aspect is likely to bring about differences in future as the two become adults. They will view things in different ways, based on how they have been used to synthesizing information.

Another example showing that Tannen is not biased in her assessment is the communication between Jake and Louise.

“JAKE: Look, I don’t care if it’s important or not, when a kid calls its mother the mother should answer.

LOUISE: Now I am a bad mother.

JAKE: I didn’t say that.

LOUISE: It’s in your stare.

JAKE: Is that another thing you know? My stare?”

This conversation is a clear indication of how different men and women can be when it comes to communication. How Jake views his statement is quite different from how Louise analyses it. This is a clear manifestation of how both genders are on different levels when it comes to communication. Women are more into metamessages, while men are not.

Part 4

People have different opinions regarding Tannen’s views about men’s and women’s talk. From my personal experience, I think talk is quite true. There are differences experienced now and then. I have come to realize that as women we tend to over-analyze conversations that we have with men. This is something that I have observed in my past relationships. I am quite privy to details. The moment a man says something I tend to try and figure out what he meant. Sometimes this aspect results in arguments since the man ends up saying that I am putting words in his mouth. Sometimes I become extremely mad for things that he did not utter with his mouth, but through the assumption of what he really wanted to imply. There is this time when my boyfriend wanted me to take him somewhere, but I was not in the mood. His response was “You know Arya used to take me wherever I wanted.” Arya was his ex-girlfriend and so my response was “You want say I am a bad girlfriend?” He responded by “no! no! I just miss those days when I could go out with someone more often.” My response was “now I see, you miss your ex-girlfriend and you want her back.” This conversation went back and forth to a point where we did not communicate with each other for two weeks.

In order to find out whether other people had similar sentiments about Tannen’s article, I had to interview my peers concerning the contents of the article. I had to explain what the article was all about, and the content included before requiring them to provide me with a response. Ariana was the first person that I interviewed on this issue.  She started by narrating that Tannen’s comments on how boys and girls are brought up were quite on point. “When growing up, I had a very different experience with that of my brother; who is younger than me actually.” Ariana said that his brother was accorded more laxity despite him being younger. Her parents used different communication prompts while addressing them. Live alone the language; the tone was quite different even if they were involved with a similar issue. Ariana asserts that such an aspect would result to them viewing things in a contrasting manner once they grow. It would be difficult for them to be on a similar line of thought.

Melissa on her part thinks that the article has reflected on reality. She says that on several occasions she has to argue with her boyfriend based on the comments that he made. She asserts that it is not clear whether what the boyfriend says is what he meant or there was some hidden meaning. “Sometimes I even wonder whether I am being paranoid since we can take even hours arguing on very simple comments that he makes; even complements.” However, she says after getting the details of Tannen’s article, she is now at piece since she can see that it is a universal thing.

Daania on the other hand, had a different perspective about the article. She said that even if what Tannen was demonstrating is true, it is not common with all women. Daania asserts that she has never experienced this while communicating with her boyfriend. “We understand each other quite well, and I have never found myself fighting with him over comments that he made.” She says that if they fight, it is because of something that he said straight forward, and not her creating a meaning for his words.

In order to have an all round input, I also interviewed my male counterparts to hear their sentiments on this issue. Jose was very excited upon hearing the topic that I had brought to him. “That is why we keep arguing with my girlfriend over petty issues. That article is on point.” Those were his exact words. Jose thought that now she has an answer as to why his girlfriend keeps harassing him on ‘small’ things that he says.

Anderson on his part thinks that the article is quite reasonable. “Many were the times that my ex made me feel that my intellectual capacity was quite low.” Anderson made this statement because his ex-girlfriend used to comprehend his statements in a different way compared to how he said them. He said that there were times he would sit back and see her point of view based on the nature of arguments that they had. However, there are times that he thought her girlfriend was paranoid and they had to break-up. He thinks that this article has now enlightened him.

Farooq disagreed with Tannen’s views. He believes that it has portrayed women as being superior compared to men. Farooq did not want to comment more on the article.

In addition to interviewing my peers, I also consulted academic articles that have discussed this issue. Suciu (669) asserts that communication tends to be cross-cultural. People tend to learn how to communicate, and as they grow in different circumstances, they tend to develop different communication styles. Suciu (672) thinks that miscommunication tends to arise based on what people say and how they say it; metamessage. Expectations based on the appropriate reaction that people are supposed to show also results to miscommunication. She also asserts that women tend to desire involvement in communication, something that men view as a threat to their independence. This shows the difference that exists between men and women with regards to communication.

Werthner (65) states that women tend to be different compared to men when it comes to communication. She reviews the concept of various professional experts in certain fields. Werthner (71) asserts that men in these categories tend to talk a lot compared to women. She also states that men usually use “I” in most contexts that women use “we.”

Tsuda (4) on the other hand, postulates that women like being indirect in their communication. This means that they don’t state their will clearly. This gives their partner the option of making a decision. It is their way of showing consideration to their partners. They expect their partners to understand them at all time since they have been together for a substantial amount of time. This aspect complicates their communication with men. Men tend to desire direct communication hence, there is a probability of miscommunication arising.

Works Cited

Anderson, Robert. Personal Interview. 21 May 2016.

Ariana, Karim. Personal Interview. 18 May 2016.

Daania, Harroun. Personal Interview. 18 May 2016

Farooq, Malek.Personal Interview. 20 May 2016

Jose, Luiz.Personal Interview. 18 May 2016

Melissa, Jones. Personal Interview. 19 May 2016

Suciu, Giulia. “Using Information to Make or Break Your Relationship.” Journal of Romanian      Literary Studies 7 (2015): 668-673. Web.

Tannen, Deborah. Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers. (n.d.): 125-35. Web.

Tsuda, Sanae. “Indirectness in Discourse: What Does It Do in Conversation?” Intercultural           Communication Studies III (1993): 63-74. Web.

Werthner, Penny. “Understanding the Differences Between How Women and Men           Communicate.” Canadian Journal for Women in Coaching 1.5 (2001): 8. Web.

 
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